Public Education Fail

Resume Template Fail

Objective

Seeking a position of ********* with ********.

WTF????????

Ok. I honestly don't know if this is a joke or not, what do you think?

In the "Special Achievements" Section of this guy's resume, he put: "Time Magazine's Person of the Year 2006". Intrigued, I looked up Time Magazine's Person of the Year 2006.

What the fuck.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I can do tax report with a SSN.
but, I don't have a working permit.

Please! Consider.
I'll do my best.
Thanks

Neat

"I have the ability to lift 70 lbs."

Nice Website!

Why would you put this on your resume?

Cover Letter Template Fail

We're off to a great start, Gino.

Wha...?

What doesn't add up here?
"MAKPETROL oil distribution company – Macedonia (1999-present)
-Manager
+Material and financing accounting
+Prepares monthly wholesales reports
+Manage daily operations of a busy gas station
+Provided tech support for all PC user in region and
+Implementing new software and ISO standards"

Oh, and BTW, you fucking live in Macedonia.

Self-Depreciation

"Hello my name is Brian, i currently live in ***********. I may not have a good resume, but i have computer experience, a vehicle, and willing to be reliable, hard working, and dependable. I am willing to prove any form of test that are given. Please contact me back as soon as possible. I am not wasting your time whatsoever."

He didn't attach a resume either. Is it really THAT bad? I kind of want him to send it to me now...

Facebook

Off-topic: What compels someone to add the person who just shitcanned you hours before on facebook?

Head -> Desk

Just so you know, when I post a job ad that tells you "DO NOT BOTHER REPLYING IF 'X' IS TRUE" and you apply anyway even though X is very clearly true, I kill a kitten.

Email Address Failures

This is over 5 minutes of looking :(

Tha_Product@*****.net
obamasucks827@*****.com
hoopdie_bitch@*****.com

Poor Guy

"I am currently employed as a HP laser printer tech. I have computer skills and I'm looking for a change of pace. This looks like the right path for me and it sound very interesting to me. I've been with the same company for over seven years and need to update my resume. "

That's all. No attachment, nothing. I'd be confused why he felt the need to let me know he needed to update his resume, but I guess he did me a favor by not attaching anything...

The Failure Continues

Well, I'm back. The powers that be have decided to torture me once more with wading through stacks of terrible resumes.

Success!

Despite all the spectacular garbage I had to wade through, I filled all my open positions. See you soon for more failure...

I knew that shit was fake

Actor

“Blind Date” (2009)

Awesomeness

I'll only interview you if you give me the dirt on Ryan Seacrest.

American Idol
PA

Setting the stage & dance floor
Registering the contestants, & escorting the contestants to the “Confessional Room”
Assisted in lighting for promo shots with Ryan Seacrest & assisted camera crew for set ups of various shoots

Did you know?

Did you know that winzip is a skill?

Neat

While very noble, "Blood Donor" is not relevant job experience for a computer tech job. It's not really experience for anything. Except maybe a vampire's assistant.

Epic.

This one is amazing. Two days ago Erwin applied at a doctor's office with a crappy cover letter. Failing to get a response, he simply forwarded his cover letter to me! Good times

Why?

Putting your picture on your resume doesn't make me want to hire you.
Especially this one.

Lies!

Do you know how I know that you *don't* have Microsoft Office Skills?
Spellcheck. I don't even have a problem hiring people who can't spell- English just might not be his first language... but show some damn effort on the resume!

"Skilles and cert.:

microsoft office 2000,2003,2007,2008

Programming(visual basic 6.0, php 4.1,basic,html,and some more languges)

Networking(doing networkes for offices and some small companys)

Pc,laptop repair(very good experiance to fix the most problem in computers hardware and software,motherboards,etc)

Software and hardware security(very good experiance with compter,laptop,wirless,network security)

built custom computers and programes(5 years experiance built computers)

and i have very nice customer service .

I like to apply for this job becuse am sure i will be the right person for this feld.

Thank you"

What...?

I don't know why he thinks this is a good idea. I posted an ad, therefore I have a job, but clearly not one for you.

Relevant Experience FAIL

Network telephone services is a phone sex company :/

In recession, resume applies you!

"Will be happy to work with you.
The resume for the position have been attached to the email .
Sincerely, Mikhail"

Resume padding FAIL Below:
"◦ Effectively establish and maintain product development schedules using MS Office tools
◦ Monitor schedule dates in an effort to ensure they are not missed and make proactive recommendations to pull schedule back on track if it should stray. Distribute work in the department to ensure all work will be done on time"

Non-padded version:

I did the shit on time.

Omfg

You're applying for a technology related job with a Wordperfect formatted resume. I haven't owned a computer that could read a wordperfect file since 1992.

That's like Michael Vick applying at Petco.

I'm not sure you can fix a computer.

Professionalism Double FAIL

ugh...

Cover Letter TMI...

Cover letters aren't a huge deal to me personally, but when your cover letter was written for a totally different industry and talks about your recent divorce I'm only opening it for comedic value.

"Hi,
My name is **** but I go by **. I am looking for a management position in the towing industry. I am a very hard working well know individual in this industry. I use to own **** Towing Service with **** until we devorced and I gave everything back to him. I would like to think that I have a very good reputation in this industry aside from ****.
"

ALL CAPS FAIL

Here is a part of the eye gougingly horrible resume of Frank. Frank has been in the job market for almost ten years, and has a year of college under his belt. But our system has clearly failed him. The fact that he somehow got three other jobs at some point with this abortion is the most disturbing part.

BTW, the resume is four pages long.